


Control

by Aridette



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Anxiety, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, soft!kylux
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-08
Updated: 2016-09-08
Packaged: 2018-08-13 21:40:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7987162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aridette/pseuds/Aridette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Holding on to a carefully crafted, stoic facade comes at a price. That is a lesson General Hux has yet to learn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Control

**Author's Note:**

> If the description of panic and anxiety spikes does bad things to you, please, do yourself a favour and turn towards another story right now. I absolutely don't want to end up triggering someone.  
> People experience anxiety differently and I am acutely aware of that. This story, however, is based on my personal experiences. Please refrain from comments telling me I got the description wrong, because, no, I did not.  
> Essentially I wrote this to help myself calm down enough to sleep, but I hope some of you will enjoy the fluff and h/c anyway.
> 
> \- wildly unbetaed, because I don't want to annoy my fabulous AC-betas with SW-stuff

Kylo Ren adores him. His strict facade of control and power. Not a step out of line, not an inch off the Order’s path.  
Hux knows Ren needs him to be this.  
His anchor.  
The one constant in the universe that won’t budge when his emotions spiral out of control.  
He often wonders what that is like for Ren. To be forced to let go by powers bigger than himself. To be unable to remain on top of his actions at all times.  
He could never let go, forced to or not.  
And yet, Hux finds himself struggling.  
  
The Knight is long overdue to return from his mission.  
Hux turns from the viewport. His shoulders are stiffer than usual, his hands painfully clenched behind his back. He is used to the posture, but not to the almost painful tension his body holds. The last time he had to make an effort to stand at attention had been at the academy. After his first year among cadets, the stance had become second nature to him.  
Now it is all that keeps him from losing his composure.  
  
When his shift ends, he retreats to his quarters to at least make a dent in the massive list of reports and issues he hasn’t been able to address during the day. Without Ren safely back aboard the Finalizer he won’t be able to sleep anyway.  
Even behind closed doors it is difficult to concentrate. His mind keeps wandering. A sense of panic rises and is subdued by sheer force of will. It does little to make him feel better, but that is not the goal here.  
Hux won’t allow himself to fall apart. Regardless of how much he feels like it would be easier to do that than to cling to his already lost sense of calm in the solitude of his own rooms.  
He has to keep going. For the Order. For his crew. And for Kylo Ren.  
Succumbing to what he thinks of as weakness is no option.

* * *

He should be fast asleep by the time a silent notification pops up on his datapad, alerting him of the Command Shuttle’s approach.  
Hux stares at it blankly. His heart beats frantically, but the rest of his body doesn’t follow suit.  
Normally, he would get up, walk down to the shuttle bay and pester Ren for a quick debriefing. Even if both of them knew it was only for show, to keep face in front of the troopers.  
Normally.  
Tonight, he can’t muster the energy.  
  
Ren is back.  
That is all that matters. If they had a medical emergency on board, the message would say so.  
It doesn’t.  
Ren is well. Must be.  
Everything is fine.  
  
Everything is _not_ fine.  
Hux feels dizzy. Relieved, but indescribably tired.  
It’s as though he has never been tired in his life. He couldn’t move if he tried to.  
  
That’s how Ren finds him - his blank stare focused on something in the middle distance between his desk and the door while his mind rattles through reasons why he should move in an endless loop of nonsense.  
It takes a moment before he looks up at Ren and visibly slumps as though all remaining energy has suddenly left him. As though his brain just short-circuits at the sight.  
  
The next thing he is aware of is Ren. Everywhere around him, Ren. His stomach is firm and warm against Hux’s face. The fabric and belt are a little irritating. But he doesn’t have it in him to care about that right now.  
All that matters is Ren whispering to him, telling him it’s okay, that they are safe, that there is no need to worry, all the while pressing  featherlight kisses against his hair.  
Hux is still dizzy. Breathing comes a little easier, now that he wraps his arms around Ren’s middle.  
He wishes he had words, any words at all.  
He is good with words.  
Just as he is good at staying in control.  
  
Hux doesn’t feel like he has much control about anything right now.  
Not about his body, and certainly no this emotions.  
Slowly the turmoil and emptiness recede as Ren’s presence takes their place.  
  
He wants to tell Ren that he was worried. But he shouldn’t.  
He wants to tell Ren that he missed him. But he shouldn’t.  
He wants to tell Ren that he felt lost without him by his side. But he ABSOLUTELY should not.  
All he can do is blink and pull Ren a little closer, pressing a helpless kiss against his robes.  
  
_„Don’t be afraid, Midge.“_  
He hears Ren’s voice inside his head. For a moment his presence drowns out the thoughts. Draws his attention to something infinitely more pleasant than worry he should not be feeling in the first place.  
_„I know.“_  
  
Ren gently pries himself loose from Hux’s embrace. He leads them over to their bed.  
How Hux manages to walk there, he doesn’t know. It shouldn’t be possible.  
_„Shh, you’re not weak just because you can’t control this right now.“_  
He feels weak and worthless anyway. Like he has lost his last redeeming quality.  
When they are sitting side by side, thighs touching, fingers entwined, Ren leans over. A gentle hand guides Hux’s face so they are looking at one another.  
„Ren,“ Hux says quietly. Speaking takes more energy than he has right now.  
„Yes?“ The Knight smiles softly in that crooked way that melted Hux’s heart months ago.  
_„What is happening?“_  
Hux is afraid of the answer.  
No, not afraid.  
  
_„It’s okay to be afraid. It’s healthy every once in a while.“_  
Ren pushes a stray strand of ginger hair back behind Hux’s ear.  
„Everything is alright now. I promise,“ he whispers, „This will pass.“  
  
They haven’t shared a lot of quiet moments like this.  
Hux blinks.  
No, most of the times they spend together are quite the opposite of quiet. For a variety of reasons.  
  
The momentary sense of panic recedes. Instead, he feels drained.  
„You are tired.“  
He is. So very much.  
„Why don’t you lie down? It will help.“  
  
Hux complies. He is too weary to protest.  
„I’ll be right there with you.“ Ren kisses his forehead and walks towards the Fresher.  
  
Hux tries to close his eyes, but it feels wrong.  
Ren’s presence touching his mind, however, does not. It didn’t use to be, but it’s reassuring now, to know he is not alone.  
Letting his head loll to one side, he looks at the stars outside.  
  
The nebula they are passing looks a lot like he feels. Vast, filled to the brim with tiny details that all add up to- nothing. A hue, a smudge against the dreary canvas of his mind. And although there are brighter stars, they fade in comparison to the colorful sparks. The stupid metaphor almost makes him smile.  
  
The mattress dips. Ren sits on the bed behind him.  
Moments later, a warm hand caresses his arm, tracing patterns up his sides.  
„Midge?“  
Hux turns to look at him.  
  
Ren is stunning. Just out of the Fresher, dressed down, in just a pair of sweatpants and a tank top. Hux can’t help the smile now.  
He raises an arm in invitation and Ren follows without hesitation.  
The Knight curls up next to him. He drapes one arm over Hux, just enough to pull him comfortably close.  
  
„You seem calmer now.“ he says eventually.  
Hux nods. „I am.“  
„Good. You are doing well. I’m proud of you.“  
  
„Don’t belittle me, I’m not a child,“ Hux wants to say. Instead, he asks, „Is that what it’s like for you? When you-“  
Ren kisses his shoulder.  
„In a way. If I were more like you, it would be more like this,“ he explains. „You hold on to control. I never had much to begin with. Never learned how to.“  
  
Hux’s hand finds the nape of Ren’s neck. „You are doing much better these days.“  
He cards his fingers through soft locks, crawls his Knight where he is most prone to hold tension. Ren noticeably relaxes under the caress, sighs happily.  
„I learned a thing or two about control from you.“ Ren murmurs.  
  
„Maybe I should learn a thing or two about letting go from you.“  
Finally, Hux’s eyes fall shut without protest.  
„Maybe.“  
He can hear the smile in Ren’s voice.  
Ren pulls up their blanket, then snuggles even closer, burrowing his face against Hux’s chest.  
„But we’ll talk after you’ve gotten some rest. It’ll be easier then.“  
  
Hux is already asleep.  
  
  
  
  



End file.
